Top 5 Tips for Writing Top 5 Lists of Top 5 Tips

Yo, Dawg!

In all seriousness, it seems every writer’s blog I’ve come across in my travels/research is stuffed with these ‘Top X Tips’ lists, and more often than not they don’t tell you anything new. “Don’t use adverbs!”, “Don’t use adjectives!”, “Always use ‘said’!”, “Write every day!”, etcetera. And if they’re not doing that, they’re linking to articles doing the same thing. I guess it’s all part of the social-networking-blogging sphere I can’t get my head around. Write a post, get ‘likes’ and ‘shares’, grow popular! Or something to that effect.

I should probably look up some Top Ten Blogging Tips.

…okay, that just reaffirmed my belief it’s all a bit dull and far too Serious Business for my liking. KEYWORD RICH? Sod that. And far, far too many portraits of smiley smiley people. I don’t trust those people. They look like someone off camera is threatening to shoot a kitten if they don’t show the whites of their teeth. And everything – everything – is about search engines and ad revenue and driving figures to achieve you goals. Or, in other words, MONEY, and that talk just makes me think of salesmen with furious, cocaine-wide eyes, punctuating every exuberant sentence with hand gestures that would make even the hammiest of Shakespearean actors blush. No, I don’t trust those people either.

So, I believe it fair to conclude that I will never gain entry to this frightful club of overjoyed bloggerati and their plentiful top tips. However, just so you don’t feel short-changed by the lack of advertised tips, here are some to tide you over.

1. DODONGO DISLIKES SMOKE
2. SHOOT THE CYBERDEMON UNTIL IT DIES
3. GET UP ON THE HYDRA’S BACK!
4. UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A START

Posted on February 21, 2013, in Blog. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I am ashamed to say that of those tips, I only recognise the last one. The second was identified by my brother, a good guess on his part.

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